Navigating Menopause & Sexual Wellness

 It’s no mystery that menopause can bring on a host of physical and emotional changes that can negatively impact a woman's sex life. Many women going through the menopause transition can suffer from symptoms like:

• Low libido

• Vaginal drynes

• Painful sex

These physical changes can make it difficult to enjoy sex or to even have the desire to seek physical intimacy. The menopause transition can also bring on symptoms of anxiety and depression, which can further hinder sexual desire.

But it shouldn’t have to be this way.

Sex, Love & Intimacy

Don’t feel like having sex anymore? 

There is a biological reason why people may not feel like having sex during perimenopause and menopause—and that’s because they’re no longer producing eggs for fertilization. The brain understands that we are no longer trying to produce babies, wondering why we would need to have sex!

However, humans are one of many animals who enjoy sex for pleasure. Dolphin females, for example, have a clitoris for the sole purpose of sexual pleasure. Bonobo monkeys also have sex for pleasure!

Oral sex is well documented in mammals as diverse as rats, fruit bats, horses, goats, dolphins, cheetahs, lions, hyenas, sheep, cattle, and most primates. It seems we are not alone.

However, sex during perimenopause and post-menopause is way down the agenda for many. We’re often told that there are many other things people would rather prioritize ahead of sex—perhaps even ironing!

It is very common and normal not to want sex at this time. Unfortunately, this can be seen as a rejection by our sexual partners, who can find this very hard to deal with emotionally. They take it very personally, and why wouldn’t they? They will often feel that we just don’t fancy or love them anymore. This can cause stress within a partnership and often leads to many rows.

Intimacy is Not Just Sex 

As we feel less inclined to have sex, we become naturally less intimate with our partners. A great deal of time can elapse—months or even years may pass without us really noticing—and this can become our new norm.

Even the strongest marriages and partnerships can suffer when there is limited or no intimacy. So, let’s look at how intimacy works!

Many people consider intimacy to mean sex, but it doesn’t. We are often intimate with our best friends, work colleagues, daughters, aunties, or mothers, and there is nothing sexual there!

Intimacy is about connecting at a deep level with another human being. You do not only connect physically by perhaps holding hands, brushing a shoulder, or hugging. You also connect with the mind, the soul, the being.

Walking a dog and chatting with your best friend are acts of intimacy. Going shopping with your daughter for something special is also intimate.

When we are first together with our partners, we are at our most intimate. However, the bond between us gets stronger over time, and perhaps we start to take each other for granted because we trust each other.

You will remember that being intimate is what led you to fall in love, and falling in love led you to have sex! In most relationships, if you remove intimacy, sex will vanish, too.

This is a good opportunity for you to sit and think about when you were last intimate with each other. If you are single, when were you last intimate with someone you like?

The first thing you need to do is talk about your thoughts and feelings about menopause to help your partner understand what you are going through. If they love you, they’ll want to help you.

Some people are ultimate fixers. If they cannot fix it, they often feel inadequate. So, making them feel part of what is happening to you right now will help. This is intimacy at its best— sharing your knowledge and talking about what is happening. You should feel that it’s okay to discuss why you may not want to have sex right now but want to again soon.

This will unite you because with understanding comes love, and all these things mean you want to be closer and more physical with each other over time. Talking is the key, so keep your lines of communication open.

Vaginal Atrophy

Vaginal atrophy plays a huge role when it comes to libido. Nothing kills libido faster than uncomfortable, or even painful, intercourse! Intercourse while dry, and often sore down below, hurts.

‘Atrophy’ means that the vagina is changing shape and, sometimes, size. This happens because estrogen levels are depleting or have left the building!

That’s why it is so important to replace estrogen with HRT, vaginal estrogen preparations, or natural plant-based phytoestrogens. Keeping weight down and looking after mental wellness are also critical. It is also important to maintain good vaginal health.

With time and effort, it is likely you’ll want to have sex again.

We recommend purchasing a dilator to keep the vagina stretched and supple inside.

You may also use moisturizers and lubricants. Lubricants are not just for sexual preparation. They also help alleviate any soreness and itchiness down below. Use them every few days and wear a panty liner if you wish. You will feel much relief from this routine.